"You screwed me over...."

Okay.

This weekend was okay.

Half and half.

Cousins came over...we had a good time. Rented The Haunting In Connecticut..alright movie. Drank some, got buzzed.

Overall, that was a good visit.

Today: Labor Day.
Went over to my Grandma's for a BBQ.
The food was good.

But while I was over there, I started jotting down my feelings.

Because, Since Saturday, this man has been over here. He came back from a three-day absence. What I mean by that....he was gone for three days.

No one knew where he was (no one really cared except my mom.)
No one knew when he was coming back.

So during that time, on this past Friday,
My mom, grandparents, and I went to see Euge Groove and Ledisi live @ the Benaroya Hall. (It was AMAZING!)

Anywho, my mom and I were getting along...It was a great time. Ever since our splat during the Summer, it seemed like we were past all of the drama that went down. And I actually thought this guy was a goner for good. Nope.

He came back.

And now my mom is acting differently. She treats me very rude, in front of him! Doesn't matter where we are.

I'm always the bad person getting in between their romance. WTF?!

Like I was saying...

So today, I decided to jot down my feelings. I wrote them down and showed the page to my cousins. They agreed with me. THey also suggested I show my mom. Heck no.

Why?

'Cause I tried that before and it didn't convince in anyway that this man is not good for her or her health. So I left it alone.

So, when it was time to eat...
I went downstairs, sat the note on a end table, got my plate of food, and went back upstairs.

When it was time to go, I go back downstairs trying to look for the note.
Couldn't find it.
Asked my grandma.

"Oh, you mean this note you wrote about me?"

I snatched it from my mom.

I'm pissed. No more!

-A.P.

Cousin, are we bonding?!

It seems to me so.

I have 4 cousins: all older.
More "advanced".

Bernie Mac words: "now I KNOW them, but I don't know them."


Same here.
I know my cousins, but I don't want to be a part of their circle. All of us are different in our own way.

I tend to be the "old soul".
Meaning I don't believe in sex before marriage, I don't party like it's 1999, drink and get high....get the munchies.

I love my cousins, but...not their lifestyles and the people they hang out with.

We get along and we talk...to a extent.
Because we don't have much in common.

They like Lil Wayne.
I like Mos Def.

They like Trey Songz.
I like Luther Vandross.

See? Very different.

So...when one of my cousins called me up, I was really surprised.
Not that she called, but that we actually had a conversation that lasted longer than 2 minutes!

Our conversations are usually akward and has a lot to do with peer pressure. Lol.

But this one...was different. It was a deep conversation.

She wanted to talk about our dysfunctional family.
"Ok. Shoot."

"I feel like none of my family members love me. They don't say it or show it."

"Ok...(long pause).

I couldn't debate with her. I couldn't try to persuade her in any way about how she felt. It was true.
I actually felt the same way she felt.

'Cause see...

There is only 12 family members in the Phair family. (That we know of lol.)

And seeing the SAME people OVER AND OVER AND OVER again....sh!t, It's sickening.

We don't have proper, nice family holidays. It usually involves fights and cops.
We hold gruges towards one another...It could be from the past, and we still hold on.

We don't tell one another, "I love you" or even EXPRESS our love (ex. hug)
That's very rare for us. It's always shocking when it happens too.

So, I totally got where she was coming from.
"I want my family to tell me they love me."
Heck, I do too.

"I want to be able to count on someone to have my back when I'm in need."
Me too.

"This family is dyscfunctional."
Heck yeah!

After all of that, I say;
"You got me...."

"I'll call you back."

*hangs up*

"Love ya."

-A.P.

I still haven't forgiven her. But I live with her. So..,

I don't know WHAT to do.

I ask for help, I don't get it.

This is some mess. Oh wait, I haven't told you what happened.


Anywho, so...
My little bro was aggravating me. Ok.
Mom ALWAYS said, "If ANYONE was to hit you, hit them BACK."
Ok.

He hits me with his shows, I hit him back with the shoes (not hard, of course...don't call CPS on me lol.)
He does it again.
I do it again.
OK, the THIRD time.
He does it. I do it.

MY MOM comes and attacks me! Rewind prior to this incident....

My mom and I were already at odds with each other for a bit. I was staying w/ my grandma and cousins (I feel like a slave in that household..MAN.)

Anywho, we got into a physical altercation. It was bad.
But we have been in one before.

But still, it was bad.

So for I don't know HOW long, I was on my Grandma's plantation (I mean, at her HOUSE lol)...Until...

My mom wanted me back home. Now, she said some really hurtful things. I just told her how I felt in anger...but...

I still haven't forgiven her. I don't know if I ever will.

I'm back home, in the same situation I was before when I left.

Nothing has changed.

I don't know what to do.

-A.P.