Always getting put down...

Why do I always feel shut out on everything? Like, I can't voice my opinions and things. I can't speak my mind. It hurts. I hurt inside. It's not my depression, it's not my paranoia. It's real. It's inside of me that hurts every single day. When I get shut down by people around me, it hurts, but for only a little while. But when it comes to family, it's hurts for a long, long while. I tend to go back and think about what I did wrong. What so wrong about me? Why do people not like me? Why can't people just accept me? Why don't people give me a chance? Why do they always blame my feelings on my depression 0r anxiety or paranoia?

I feel trapped in a bubble.

I don't feel loved. I feel lonely

It hurts really bad. My heart aches from the morning i wake up, till i go to sleep.

My mom just treats me wrong. It's to the point now that I just start crying thinking about every little thing she says about me. I cry when she's even saying these horrible things about me!

She meets a guy.
They hang out, no problem.
He meets some family members (side note: I don't like this guy AT ALL)
He COMES to OUR house.
He sleeps in my mom's bed.
She lies to me, saying he's going to leave.
I feel uncomfortable.
She knows how I feel about men. I don't trust them. I can't deal with them. I'll eventually start to date again, but now, NO.


I just feel terrible every time I speak. I feel like I say the wrong thing every time. I just stay quiet now, because I'm afraid of saying something stupid.

Today, I found myself crying out for my father. Someone who I haven't seen in a long, long time.
I look at his picture and I cry. I cry crocodile tears. For 30 minutes. Probably more.
I also found myself writing him a note, a note that I will probably never give to him. Those words i wrote were my sincere feelings.
I need him, not another man. Not a step dad. But him, my dad. My brother can have his own little step dad, but i want my dad.

I just miss him so much.
I miss everything about him.
I hardly remember memories when we were in happier times, since i was little. But, he was a gorgeous man. I can only imagine what he looks like now.

I hope to see him soon, because I can't call him and not see him face to face. It's too heartbreaking now.

-A.P.