Business, business...

It's not working out for me.
Could this be Karma?

I am trying to get business.
I want it sooo bad.

Volunteering is getting too stressful.
NOT GOOD.

So, let me jumpstart my business.
No? Not yet. Why? Why such a long wait?

I have been waiting on craigslist for about an hour now.
Just one call.
ONE call.

No call.
I'm getting angry.
I've been angry.

Stay calm.
"Woosah........."

Random Thoughts @ 4:something AM!!

I am very tired.
I want to go to sleep.

I am soooo tired of being ALONE.

I've been feeling really emotional lately, more than ever.
I want new books to help me cope.

I want no more animals.
No, i'm kidding about the animals. I love my cats.

I need more artists for my Zune.
Tired of listening to the same old sh!t.

I'm starting to become obsessed with the DeBarge family.
Just a little bit.
Their music....AHHH.

Where are all my family members?
I only know, like, 12 of them?
That's weird.

Where are all my friends?
Oh yeah, i don't have many.
LOL.
No, serious.

I try to laugh than cry.
I try to smile than frown.

I don't want wrinkles.
Black don't crack.
Don't be offended.

Made my first pie on Thanxgiving!
REALLY good.
I was selfish.
Wish I had it now, though.
LOL.

Ok.
That's enough.

Need to blog more.
I keep saying that, but I don't do it.
It's going to become a goal.

Ok.
Bye.

-A.P.

So fucking STUPID.

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

Man, was I in the clouds?

How can I take care of myself...in a dysfunctional household? I can't ignore that fact. I can't escape that.

How can one minute I'm happy, fine...
Next, mom comes home...with this man. A man who needs a MOTHER more than a WOMAN on his arm, doing his everyday duties, telling him what to do, etc.

Who understands?

I'm SOOOO happy @ school. I really am. Yeah, there are days when I don't want to be there, what's that point? But for the most part, I'm excellent, exceeding in academics and other things.

But...

When I come home, I fucking depressed, putting myself down, got other people putting myself down. Making me feel worthless.
Fucking tearing up my prized possessions (did i spell that right?)
WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO?!

I want to just rip my hair out and cry.

-A.P.

Don't say Nuthin.

Been a while. I know.


Mom has been putting up with a lot of this man's shit. I don't see why that happens, letting his shit slide. If it were me, if i were older...it'll be a WHOLE different story with me. That negro will be GONE!

I just keep quiet now. I don't say nuthin. It's pointless now. Really.

Just a little bit ago, she comes in my room...."you think I'm weak?"

Are you freaking serious?! Are you asking me this question right now?!

*sighs*

I just said...
"yes."

After that, she just kept asking me questions....and i gave her short-worded answers. "Yes." "No." 'I don't give a f@#$." "So?"

Ah, yes......that's how it is now.

I'm going to go cry.

Bye. -A.P.

"You screwed me over...."

Okay.

This weekend was okay.

Half and half.

Cousins came over...we had a good time. Rented The Haunting In Connecticut..alright movie. Drank some, got buzzed.

Overall, that was a good visit.

Today: Labor Day.
Went over to my Grandma's for a BBQ.
The food was good.

But while I was over there, I started jotting down my feelings.

Because, Since Saturday, this man has been over here. He came back from a three-day absence. What I mean by that....he was gone for three days.

No one knew where he was (no one really cared except my mom.)
No one knew when he was coming back.

So during that time, on this past Friday,
My mom, grandparents, and I went to see Euge Groove and Ledisi live @ the Benaroya Hall. (It was AMAZING!)

Anywho, my mom and I were getting along...It was a great time. Ever since our splat during the Summer, it seemed like we were past all of the drama that went down. And I actually thought this guy was a goner for good. Nope.

He came back.

And now my mom is acting differently. She treats me very rude, in front of him! Doesn't matter where we are.

I'm always the bad person getting in between their romance. WTF?!

Like I was saying...

So today, I decided to jot down my feelings. I wrote them down and showed the page to my cousins. They agreed with me. THey also suggested I show my mom. Heck no.

Why?

'Cause I tried that before and it didn't convince in anyway that this man is not good for her or her health. So I left it alone.

So, when it was time to eat...
I went downstairs, sat the note on a end table, got my plate of food, and went back upstairs.

When it was time to go, I go back downstairs trying to look for the note.
Couldn't find it.
Asked my grandma.

"Oh, you mean this note you wrote about me?"

I snatched it from my mom.

I'm pissed. No more!

-A.P.

Cousin, are we bonding?!

It seems to me so.

I have 4 cousins: all older.
More "advanced".

Bernie Mac words: "now I KNOW them, but I don't know them."


Same here.
I know my cousins, but I don't want to be a part of their circle. All of us are different in our own way.

I tend to be the "old soul".
Meaning I don't believe in sex before marriage, I don't party like it's 1999, drink and get high....get the munchies.

I love my cousins, but...not their lifestyles and the people they hang out with.

We get along and we talk...to a extent.
Because we don't have much in common.

They like Lil Wayne.
I like Mos Def.

They like Trey Songz.
I like Luther Vandross.

See? Very different.

So...when one of my cousins called me up, I was really surprised.
Not that she called, but that we actually had a conversation that lasted longer than 2 minutes!

Our conversations are usually akward and has a lot to do with peer pressure. Lol.

But this one...was different. It was a deep conversation.

She wanted to talk about our dysfunctional family.
"Ok. Shoot."

"I feel like none of my family members love me. They don't say it or show it."

"Ok...(long pause).

I couldn't debate with her. I couldn't try to persuade her in any way about how she felt. It was true.
I actually felt the same way she felt.

'Cause see...

There is only 12 family members in the Phair family. (That we know of lol.)

And seeing the SAME people OVER AND OVER AND OVER again....sh!t, It's sickening.

We don't have proper, nice family holidays. It usually involves fights and cops.
We hold gruges towards one another...It could be from the past, and we still hold on.

We don't tell one another, "I love you" or even EXPRESS our love (ex. hug)
That's very rare for us. It's always shocking when it happens too.

So, I totally got where she was coming from.
"I want my family to tell me they love me."
Heck, I do too.

"I want to be able to count on someone to have my back when I'm in need."
Me too.

"This family is dyscfunctional."
Heck yeah!

After all of that, I say;
"You got me...."

"I'll call you back."

*hangs up*

"Love ya."

-A.P.

I still haven't forgiven her. But I live with her. So..,

I don't know WHAT to do.

I ask for help, I don't get it.

This is some mess. Oh wait, I haven't told you what happened.


Anywho, so...
My little bro was aggravating me. Ok.
Mom ALWAYS said, "If ANYONE was to hit you, hit them BACK."
Ok.

He hits me with his shows, I hit him back with the shoes (not hard, of course...don't call CPS on me lol.)
He does it again.
I do it again.
OK, the THIRD time.
He does it. I do it.

MY MOM comes and attacks me! Rewind prior to this incident....

My mom and I were already at odds with each other for a bit. I was staying w/ my grandma and cousins (I feel like a slave in that household..MAN.)

Anywho, we got into a physical altercation. It was bad.
But we have been in one before.

But still, it was bad.

So for I don't know HOW long, I was on my Grandma's plantation (I mean, at her HOUSE lol)...Until...

My mom wanted me back home. Now, she said some really hurtful things. I just told her how I felt in anger...but...

I still haven't forgiven her. I don't know if I ever will.

I'm back home, in the same situation I was before when I left.

Nothing has changed.

I don't know what to do.

-A.P.

Uncle Joe, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

Saturday afternoon, I went over my Grandmother's house. I ended up staying the night. I didn't WANT to, but I was too tired so I didn't bother going to the bus stop. Anywho....

I forgot my Uncle Joe's birthday.

Now, I'm not close at all with my Uncle Joe but I love him. He's a a**hole but I love him.

And I really shouldn't have felt so guilty about missing his birthday, since he has missed more than a few of my birthdays. No cards, calls, visits....nothing.

But I felt. Guilty.


So....


I went to a local store and bought him a beautiful card. Very heartfelt.

I called. And asked him was he coming over anytime soon in my area. "Oh yeah, I'm going to come that way any minute. We are going to spend the day together. You, your cousins, and I."


When he told me he was going to come over my way, I must admit, I got pretty excited. (I usually never do.)

It's been a minute since I've seen him. I love him. He's handsome, funny.....

Yep.

Hours pass by.
Kept calling him.
"just got out the shower."
"I have to get a ride from a friend, he's on his way."
"I have to take the bus. About to catch the next one."

After ALL of that,
My excitement dies down. I give up.

I leave.

And I rip up his b-day card.

It's Monday now.

My grandma is over here.

She tells me, "Oh your Uncle Joe came by, right after you left."

"So?"

"I told him you were mad at him. He said some chick kidnapped him and took him to the movies."

WTF?!

I'm hurt.

Not the first time.

I'm sick.
Of pain.

Not only physically.
Emotionally.

I hate being sick.
Pain lasts longer for me.
It stays.
Forever.

Wounded since a little child.

By people who I thought were there for me.
But It was only a one-sided situation.
I was there for them.

Can't do this anymore.
It makes me sick.
It drives me up the wall.

Just said some hurtful things to my mom.
Not the first time.

She did the same.
Not the first time.

What's to come?
I'm not sure.

But I'm ready.
For pain.

I'm done....

Today, I was pushed, tested. Over a litter-box. Lol. It sounds petty, 'cause it was. But this guy, who thinks he's King Tut or someone, got upset that the litter-box was somewhere he thought wasn't a good place. Ok..

First of all:

This isn't your house.

You don't pay bills.
You don't feed the cats nor change the litter (I do.)
Hell, where am I suppose to put it?! This place is small and crowded.

I don't get it. He started it. He moves into my small bathroom. Ok...

I move it back where it originally was.

Next day. It's back in the bathroom. I move it back. He does it again. Ok...

By now, I'm getting frustrated. It's the third time. I move it back.

This time...my mom moves it. Ok, now I'm pissed. He gets her involved. In relationships or "friendships", as she calls them, she doesn't think for herself. Hmm...how to put this....she's weak-willed.
Ok, I MOVE IT BACK. He sees me move it back. Starts yelling at me. I yell back. Mom sticks up for him. "oh, babe. She doesn't understand." WTF?!
He says:
"Your disrespecting my feelings. When you come back from your trip, those cats will be gone."

I say:
"And so will your things. Try me negro."

I'm heated. Mom comes in and tries to sucker up to me. "You stick up for a man you barely know (not EVEN 6 months) and not your own daughter?! "aww, well...."
"Screw YOU and HIM. I'm done!"

I'm in my room. Trying to think of a plan.

-A.P.

I'm lost....

It's been a while....

But during this time that I've been away from this blog, it's been hard. My depression has just got deeper, if that makes any sense. I mean, I can't get out of it. It doesn't matter what I do, something or someone triggers my feelings and I start feeling down. This guy (from the previous posts) has been here still, and I'm starting to run out of options on what to do. I'm not patient, and he's making me even more angrier. The three of us (mom, him, and I) sat down, and talked about him moving in our home. I said hell no! No way. The way she presented him to me had a BIG part of the way I think of him, but that's not the only reason why I don't like him:

1) He's annoying
2) He's demanding (I don't care if that's a part in a man's demenor)
3)I don't like the way he talks to me nor my mom
4) He's ignorant
5) He's a fake, phony person

More reasons, but it's a waste of time. I'm tired of my mom. I'm tired of holding this in. No one I talked to about this seems to either not get it (they think I'm overreacting, or don't want to seem to help. Now my uncle, he's concerned, but his way of confronting people result in him going to jail, which I totally don't want.

My mom knows I do not this guy. it seems like every guy she meets, is below her standards. It's like I have to break down and throw a fit, then she asks me, "what's your problem? What do you think about this guy?" ARE YOU SERIOUS? You NOW ASK ME THAT? She lets this Negro DRIVE our new car (which I paid half for), while I have to beg her ass to drive it! Ain't that some sh!t?! I'm sorry, but I think that is fucked up! I'm pissed. I can't tolerate her anymore. I've been putting up with her shit, pretty much all my life. I can't do it.

But, where am I going to go? I don't have much support in my family. I have outside friends who give a sh!t (that's why I don't associate with them like that.)

Fuck.
-A.P.

Father's Day and Mother's Day....are not my favorite holidays.

I really don't know how to start of this post. The title was easy but, the actual words, are hard.

I never really had an actual "parent". I mean, a parent who is....there.
Emotional, physical...
My dad has never been in my life a long period of time. In and out kind of thing.
My mom. She's there for me finacially. lol.
Not physically. Not emotionally.
My mom always put her "guy friends" and boyfriends before us, (me and my brother.)


It's hard, feeling like I have NO parents. Like both of my parents have passed and i'm here alone.
Here I am suffering from a tooth surgery...she's gone, picking up a guy (the guy I was ranting about in the previous posts)...bringing him over, when it was supposed to be us.

I don't know what to do or say. My word doesn't matter.

'I don't like you, say something else smart to me!'

Hahaha, I got that from Madea Goes to Jail, the play.

I mean, this man.....he's becoming a permanent. I'm letting it bother me because THIS MAN is trying to become my father. MY FATHER! Wow...........

I mean, Negro, excuse me, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.


He's knows NOTHING about me, only things my mom has told him, 'cause she runs her mouth too much.

This negro asks me where i'm going and who my friends are. When I'm trying to talk to my mom, here he come...trying to be in the convo. Heck no!


He's a major Jackass with a capital J. He's many more things, but I'm not going to get into it.

Ugh, I'm going to stay with my aunt for a little bit. I can't deal with all of this anymore. If she wants to put a man over her kids, fine. I'm not going to fight or convince her. That's a waste of time.

-A.P.

Ok....

I'm calm.

I'm calm.

I'm breathing.

It's just hard when someone is working on your nerves and they know they are, but they keep doing it anyways. That's crazy.

Why do people do that? This person must want me to blow up on them. I don't want to, but i may have to. I really want this person to leave, just GO HOME. PHONE HOME!! lol, but i'm serious.


Oh well, there is nothing I can do. My mom is just desperate, i'm sorry. She is letting this man get to me and no even sayin anything, just gigglin. Ok, that's ok. Because I'm done with her. She's nothing to me. It's obvious she doesn't caring about my feelings. Ok.

WARNING!

I'm...going....to...go....CRAZY.




The end.


-A.P.



P.S.

Always getting put down...

Why do I always feel shut out on everything? Like, I can't voice my opinions and things. I can't speak my mind. It hurts. I hurt inside. It's not my depression, it's not my paranoia. It's real. It's inside of me that hurts every single day. When I get shut down by people around me, it hurts, but for only a little while. But when it comes to family, it's hurts for a long, long while. I tend to go back and think about what I did wrong. What so wrong about me? Why do people not like me? Why can't people just accept me? Why don't people give me a chance? Why do they always blame my feelings on my depression 0r anxiety or paranoia?

I feel trapped in a bubble.

I don't feel loved. I feel lonely

It hurts really bad. My heart aches from the morning i wake up, till i go to sleep.

My mom just treats me wrong. It's to the point now that I just start crying thinking about every little thing she says about me. I cry when she's even saying these horrible things about me!

She meets a guy.
They hang out, no problem.
He meets some family members (side note: I don't like this guy AT ALL)
He COMES to OUR house.
He sleeps in my mom's bed.
She lies to me, saying he's going to leave.
I feel uncomfortable.
She knows how I feel about men. I don't trust them. I can't deal with them. I'll eventually start to date again, but now, NO.


I just feel terrible every time I speak. I feel like I say the wrong thing every time. I just stay quiet now, because I'm afraid of saying something stupid.

Today, I found myself crying out for my father. Someone who I haven't seen in a long, long time.
I look at his picture and I cry. I cry crocodile tears. For 30 minutes. Probably more.
I also found myself writing him a note, a note that I will probably never give to him. Those words i wrote were my sincere feelings.
I need him, not another man. Not a step dad. But him, my dad. My brother can have his own little step dad, but i want my dad.

I just miss him so much.
I miss everything about him.
I hardly remember memories when we were in happier times, since i was little. But, he was a gorgeous man. I can only imagine what he looks like now.

I hope to see him soon, because I can't call him and not see him face to face. It's too heartbreaking now.

-A.P.

Oh Sucky, sucky now...

My life has been yucky.

I have trouble at school, at home, all around me.

Now, I'm not the type of person to deal with conflict or trouble very well. I tend to at least try to avoid it. My mom says I'm a weakling. Eh, I kind of believe that. I'm a peacemaker, not a troublemaker. I don't like trouble. People talking about me, people gettin' in my face, people spreading lies about me. I don't like that! I mean, I'm cool with everyone. I mean, i give respect to everyone, even when i don't receive it. i don't hold on to what they say or whatever they case may be, and just think about what I did wrong or whatever! But it affects me when people start to threaten me or trying to ruin friendships or relationships I have with other people. I tend to have a positive affect on people. (no meaning to brag lol). But I have people who just latch on to me and see me as a positive influence or a good friend or someone they can help be better with themselves. Does this make sense? I hope so, cause I am just rambling.

Anyways, problems at school have been holding me back. The aura and the atmosphere is just all wrong and I can't work or be in a situation like that. If i feel it's not right, then it's not right. These people who are suppose to be helping me, aren't doing their jobs and it starting to really piss me off. I feel everyday, like wanting to snap someone's head off their body. Or cursing someone out. And that's not me. I'm usually chipper, nice, friendly. Nowadays, I got an attitude, I'm wanting to stay in the house and listen to jazz or sad music period. That's my rant.

-A.P.

Time...Oh My!

Hey,

Time just goes by fast! I just finished a post on here and now it's May! Oh gosh. I found a new mattress set! Woo! I'm so happy, long time coming. I hope this new bed lives up to my expectations lol. I really needed a new bed. I went to Ikea, found some stuff for my room there. Got new pillows. Getting carpets cleaned. It's like I'm getting a room makeover. At school, same stupid stuff. Can't wait till we get out and it's Summer. Not sure what I'm gonna do in Summer, but I don't want to be bored I know that. I might sign up for some activities. Anyways, not much is going on. driving school sucks, almost done though. But that's it for now!

-A.P.

My life is so sucky right now...

Gosh,

It seems everyone in my life (or used to be in my life), are leaving me. They are either retiring, leaving Washington, or leaving my school. I hate this lonely feeling! I mean, I haven't been at school much because I don't feel comfortable there like I used to in the beginning. I mean, ever since that whole situation with S and Kirk, I don't feel like school is an outlet from home life like it used to be. I mean, I wasn't able to just leave my problems at home on my bed or anything, but I was able to forget them for a short while and focus on what I needed to do at school. But, you know now, it's different. I mean, I've been crushing on Kirk ever since I met him lol, but now, it's different. We don't really have a connection like before. We talk, but we don't have long, stimulating conversations like we used to have. S and I, we a'ight. She apologized and everything, but I'm not her friend. I let her talk to me first then I'll say what I need to. I want her gone but it's whatever. The only friend I really have there is Danielle. She's my buddy. lol. I hate driving school now. My instructor, Ms. Cindy, got fired. GREAT. Now, who do we have now? OJ and Mr. Hassan. OJ is a mean, nasty, ogre. Ugh, I dislike him to the fullest. Mr. hassan, ok guy, but I can't understand him when he talks (he's African.)

I'm goign to quit maybe. I don't need this. i know my mom won't be happy with that, but at least I know I tried my hardest, but I can't go through with it. I give up easily and I beat myself up for it at the end all the time! But, I need to work on that. But for now, NOPE!

-A.P.

Day and Night...

Man, I cannot sleep. It's 1:38 AM and I can't sleep. My sleeping schedule is waayy off!

I'm sick, I'm angry..I'm delusional. So many thoughts are going through my head and I can't seem to shake them. I don't feel comfortable in my bed. My heartbeat is beating rapidly. My chest aches. My head hurts. My whole body is hot. My eyes want to shut. But..NOOOO! I don't want this week to end. I don't want to go back to school in 4 more days. Ugh. But I have too. I can't let that sh*t with that girl affect me and my studies. I just don't know how I will function without Ms. Stokes. Oh well...

-A.P.

OH MY GOSH!

Man, Tomorrow is the staring of my spring break! Yes!! One week though. Ewww. Well, I'm glad because I can get away and rest from all the sh*t @ Merit. Ms. Stokes is gone :( I am truly going to miss her. She was my favorite out of three staff members lol. She is going to do another student teacher assignment. But I will keeping touch with her by e-mailing and seeing how her new job is going. Man, I'm so over Kirk. I really am. No, maybe a little bit. Friday was definitely a drama day. Even though it was supposed to be Ms. Stokes's goodbye day. Shae wanted to put me in the middle of her drama with Kirk. I don't know how my name got in the middle of their argument, but she better not mess with me. I'll f*ck her up, no doubt. If she tries to get in my face, there is going to be some trouble.
And since Ms. Stokes is going to be gone now, I'm not sure if I will have any support on my side. I'm not scared of her, but I'm scared of hurting her. lol. I don't know, I was going to beat her ass that day (cause she was talking mad sh*t), but I was able to not sink down to her level. I ignored her and kept my distance. I'm through with her completely. B*tch, she ruined my WHOLE Friday!

Anyways, that's really it. Nothing @ home has been exciting except I'm doing a genealogy thingy on my grandparents and great-grandparents. I have to get it all together, but I am going to do it soon. I'm excited!

-A.P.

Not feeling like myself....

I'm defitnely not feeling like myself...I feel like a whole different person....

I don't know, but for the past 2 weeks I have been on the edge. I mean, I'm sad, irratable, just moody. And I just want to cry all the freaking' time! I mean, I'm just depressed. I've been having panic attacks, I feel numb all the time. I can't sleep (well I never really been able to sleep haha). though, before, I was doing good on staying happy and jolly for a good while. But now, I'm not sure what happen to me....

It's hard. I really, truly have no one to talk to. It seems that nobody wants to listen to me. Everyone's busy, busy. My family is unreliable. They don't care. If I'm helping them in a way first, then they care, for a bit. That hurts. In my family, we don't talk about feelings. Well, I'm the only one who wants too. There are too many family secrets and grudges towards one another that we can't even have a decent family gathering during the Holidays. That's sad. I hate that, I really do.

At school, my teacher is leaving on the 27th. I'm going to miss her. We already ahve a new teacher picked out. She's actually the "teacher" but she doesn't necessarily teach. Makes sense? She is EVIL!

My guy crush is distancing himself from me. We aren't friends like we used to be, since S started to use him against me. I can't talk to him like before. He is always with S.

The ONLY person I can really talk to is my BF, Danielle. She's awesome.
Well, nothing has been really happening.

Bye, I'm going to drown myself in sorrow :(

-A.P.

Youtube Page:
youtube.com/rihannafentyfan4life
I have some great videos on my channel that help me through stuff I'm going through...to an extent.

Imeem Page:
http://www.imeem.com/people/hjNYfbg/
Made some playlists that get me in a relaxing mood, to an extent.

Myspace Page:
myspace.com/bookwormautumn

Twitter Page:
twitter.com/bookwormautumn
Just cause...

(I'm not a fan anymore of Rihanna, to let you know.)

Once again, NOTHING!

Not much to report about. I've been very sick with that "new flu" they been talking about and it has been kicking my butt! It sure has me exhausted! I've been able to move around and get outside (not a good thing, because it's VERY cold outside, and plus it was snowing this weekend, HARD), but I can't stand very long or move around for a long period of time. I feel dizzy, nauseous, etc...I haven't been going to school. I've been at home, sick and bored. I've been watching old episodes of Family Guy on DVD to music. That's it. Oh, and bothering the heck out of my mom. lol. I've been flirting with Kirk a bit and I'm starting to think he is catching on. Well, I think. He is super adorable and I can't stop thinking about him. UGH!

Yeah...

-A.P.

Old stuff coming up...same mess with S....

HUH?? What do you mean A?

I mean this...I'm starting this new medication they put me on for anxiety, a stimulant. I have to take it everyday. It's supposed to help with not only anxiety but to help me focus as well. I have no tolerance for medication, but I gave in and decided to try this one. First of all, I HATE medication!! I truly, truly do. It's not for me. I know it's suppose to help with pain and etc..make ya feel better, but It's not for me. I've been having panic attacks since I've been taking this medication. I started on a Monday. Panic attack. Tuesday. @ school, panic attack. TODAY? PANIC ATTACK!! 8 OR 9 panic attacks TODAY!! UGH F***ing NO MORE!! Nope! I don't even care man, just let me act out when I start to feel like someone is invading my personal space or noise is just scaring my heart out of my chest! Nope. I don't like feeling like this, matter of fact, who freaking does??

Anyways, beside that, S is on the SAME s*** from last week. "She still not talking to you?" Nope, and I don't care. "You ain't going to confront her?" Nope, It's not that deep to me. "You ain't going to make up?" Not anytime soon, at least not in her book. "You ain't going to kiss her a** and be reasonable?" HELL NAW! I'm ALWAYS the reasonable one, the mature one. I've been the bigger person all my life. Why can't I be somewhat "selfish" for once in my life? Is that much to ask? Nope.

Look, I don't have a problem with S. I don't. I consider(ed) her a friend. I really did. Now, I'm just saying that...

But if she going to continue like this, I'm going to let her. I don't give a f***. Really. She can play the silent treatment and shit. Ignore me. Give me dirty looks. Talk mess behind my back. I DON'T GIVE A F***!!

But, let her get in my face and act a fool...TRUST ME....

She WILL get embarrassed..REALLY.

A.P.

Boring week for me! :(

UGH!!

My week has been slow and very boring. Nothing is happening in my life, nothing exciting. No drama...that's good. lol. Well, yeah there is some.

At school, I have this friend named S (not going to use her name, just her initial.) Actually, she's not a friend, she's an associate. She has been upset with me for a bit now for no reason. side note: I've been selected to be apart in the peer mediation program at the school. Just me, my crush (kirk), and this other boy. We were told not to tell anyone about it. So when it was break time, kirk and his somewhat big mouth said something out loud enough for S to hear. I motioned him to shut up before she heard. She started to question us "what? what you guys talking about?" I told her nicely that sorry, I couldn't tell her. Her ass got mad at me, even though I told her I couldn't tell her! Oh well.
Soo...Thursday of this week, she still mad. Ok, I thought. I kept my distance because I'm not going to be kissing her ass to talk to me and I'm going to have to apologize for nothing. That's what she obviously thought, because she used Kirk as a little doll to make me jealous and mad. Another side note: One of my friends told her I liked Kirk, man. And another thing, she and Kirk don't even hang out like that. They aren't "buddies". kirk and I are, but not them together. So, Kirk is going to be a b**** and go along with her game and kissing her ass. Trader! I don't get it, why shes mad at me. Oh well, I guess. We'll see on next Tuesday how she going to act (because there is no school on Friday and next Monday.) I don't care, she can have Kirk as a friend, I don't have a problem with that, but the way he dogged me was wrong. I'm so mad at the both of them. UGH! I've lost my semi-obsession with him. :(

-A.P.

P.S. I talked to my youngest aunt today. She seems happy in Hawaii now. She just got a new job. That's great, I'm happy for her :)
P.P.S. I have new pics and I will post them soon :)

My Gramps is getting out of the hospital again!!...again...maybe...

Hey,

WOOWW! It's been a hell of a 2 weeks for me! Worrying, stressing, crying, flying, talking...lol. Now I think you guys are wondering ("what's she talking about "again?"). My gramps got out originally got out on Sunday, from the hospital that he had the surgery at. Then...on Monday, I guess he took a walk (doctor's order) and had a shortness of breath. Now, I wasn't there, but I was a person who was contacted to go see my gramps to make sure he was okay. The A-car (ambulance) gave him oxygen, and he was okay. Great. Then..they suggested he go back to the nearest hospital. He agreed. THANK GOD!! Why? Because they finally found the real problem on why my gramps has been having shortness of breath and other things...he has blood is low. It's not flowing well...BUT!
He is better now. After about 2 days in the hospital, I went to see him today. He is looking better, feeling better, talking better...Oh goodness gracious! I'm so happy. And the doctor checked in with him and said he should be released either Tomorrow or Friday. That's great news for me. So now, he'll stay at home and rest for the reminder of the "healing period" because even though my gramps was there, I despise hospitals . lol...

-A.P.

No good rest...

Wow..this week has went by so fast! I mean, It's Friday in 2 hours, over here. It's 10:00 something now...(I'm too lazy to look at the clock at the bottom, lol). I was so worried about My Gramps because I couldn't talk to him. But I went to see him today. I just wanted to cry, because he's in so much pain. But he is still crackin' jokes! He's laughing, smiling a bit, but I know he's going to be going through some emotional issues when he gets out. He is already experiencing some of those issues. With the scar down his stomach, the staying at home for a long period of time and not going to Bingo. He going to be in the hospital for a while, for his Kidneys are failing him @ the moment. There's not enough liquid going through his body. So he needs to get those up and running before everything else, so he can get home, soon. He doesn't like the people there lol. The hospital is nice, but I must admit, not the people. But whatever, as long as he getting care, which he is. He didn't want us to leave him, he wanted us to stay. I would, totally, but I have school and meetings to go to. I want to see him tomorrow, but I'll have to get there by bus.
I'm going to look into it....because I don't know my way around the hospital is....

Had to go to Tutoring (for math) as well, I dislike my tutor very much. She's annoying and very rude and insensitive. UGH! I need to get rid of her. But I need her for art credits (she owns a ceramic shop). DANG! :(

-A.P.

Mom's B-day...But thinking about my crush...

Today Is my mom's b-day!! Well, no...actually tomorrow (Sunday), It is. She turns thirty-eight, and she's pretty excited. Like a great, appreciative daughter, I bought her some flowers and cleaned the kitchen for her. lol. It was the least I could do. I would do a lot more, but I have a lot on my plate right now and just couldn't fit much in. I already told her that, but still...
Anyways, the whole freakin' day.. I was thinking about my crush from school. I'm trying to think of what to say to him...but I'm not sure. I'm getting encouragement from my mom and friends, but it's still not enough for me to push through and just tell him. I don't want to be to vulnerable or desperate in a way and tell him all of the feelings I'm feeling. I just want to tell him I enjoy his friendship and I hope to take it further, if he wants to, too.

Anyways, my grandpa's heart surgery is on Tuesday, the 10th. I hope it is successful. I'm taking that day off school to be there for support. I don't want anything to happen. But he is a tough cookie so I'm pretty sure he'll be okay. He'll be walking in no time. He is also getting his bad feet corrected (thank god!), finally. I spent the whole day at my grandma's. She went to get some new wig which looks great on her! It is a golden color and short-curled. She is ready to show out tomorrow , on Sunday. We plan to go out and celebrate my mom's b-day at some restaurant afterwards. Then see my great-grandma. But what is a shame is that neither of my aunts wished my mom happy birthday. I don't know, maybe tomorrow they'll call. they just need to get over their differences and their grudges and just wish someone a great day. Majority of the time, they can't even do that. That is a shame. Anyways, that is it for now. I plan to watch the Grammy's tomorrow as well. I hope M.I.A. doesn't go into labor on stage, but she is a trooper and has some guts to get on that stage on her due date. I love her so, no matter what happens lol. Performancers I want to see are: Adele, Coldplay, Estelle, The Four Tops (I love them soo much, too bad that Levi wasn't still around to live to perform), J-Hud (I'm glad she's strong enough for a comeback after what happened), Jonas Brothers (I love them, yes lol), BB King, Paul McCartney, Katy Perry, Smokey Robinson, Robin Thicke, T.I., Stevie Wonder, Radiohead, Rihanna, Allen Toussaint, and U2. And on Monday, I'm watching the BET Honors. I can't wait to see Whitney houston.

Other than that, nothing special.

-A.P.

I'm feeling good! :)

I feel great!!

Wanna know why?

I don't know, I just do. I really like my new school. It's awesome. I have friends. I have nice teachers. I have a crush (already!) . I really, really like him. He's so sweet, respectful, smart, funny, cute. Aw, I want him!! :) We have so much in common: music, movies, technology, books, etc...
The thing is: I don't know how to get over my shyness to tell him I like him! Ugh, I'm so bad with guys. It's even hard to talk to guys. But we have a natural connection, we clicked from the beginning. We have beautiful conversations. He has this cute accent (He's from South Carolina, I'm from Louisiana) and these beautiful eyes. I melt every time I see him.
I'm planning to see Friday the 13th when it comes out. So is he. Know what that means? Should I ask him? I want to so bad. But I can't. I'm too scared.

Gosh!!

We had a great conversation with the substitute teacher today (weird, right? We were suppose to pick on her, but we didn't. Haha just kidding.)
We were talking about life, movies, and technology. Wow. I'm such a nerd. But that's a great thing.

What should I do? I want to make a move on him. UGHHHH!!!!!!!!

A.P.

Starting a new school! :)

Hello,

It's been a while. Not much has been happening but I still have some things to talk about. I started my new school today. It's not really a school, more like a educational program. It's like a full-size trailer in front of a middle school. My classroom is about wee big. Not many students. Okay, it's for students with personal and behavioral problems. I go there for my personal. I have no behavioral. Anyways, today was the first day. It was alright. Not much. I made some friends. Seen some fights break out. Very interesting day. Now here is the schedule: I only have 2 classes: math and language arts. Then we have a break, then we have reading group. We have lunch. That's it, I go home early, like 11:00am. lol very simple. I'm happy about it...for now. I don't know. every school I have tried, doesn't work out for me. I don't have anymore options left, so I have to make this work. My anxiety and depression just gets the best of me and makes me not want to do things that normal teenage kids do. Like, for example: I don't get out often, It's hard for me to wake up in the morning, I don't have many friends, I don't like hanging in big groups of people. So many things are hard for me to do. Then my mom puts pressure on me to try and I just can't seem to do that. :( I definitely know I'm not the only one, but when you are stuck in a situation like this, you tend to feel that way. I sure do.
My family doesn't know about my depression and anxiety. I just can't seem to trust them enough for them to show support, because I feel they wouldn't seem to understand. But when I start to lash out on them, they want to know what's the matter.
I mean, my cousin has depression, but she's not taking the steps I am toward bettering it and overcoming it.
I know I want to get better, but it is so hard.




A.P.

Nothing Much....

Hello my people,

Wow. Only 1 day until President-elect Barack Obama will become..you guessed it..PRESIDENT!! :) I'm excited!! And I just can't hide it!! I'm taping and capturing everything that represents hope and Obama. I mean, this is some major stuff going on. And that is all I have to say. Nothing much in my life going on except that my mother and aunt are feuding over a big screen TV. Not my problem though. I spent half my life worrying about someone else's. I'm not doing that anymore. I have my own problems. And if I ever catch myself doing that, worrying about someone else, I slap myself. Not hard, but just enough. So...I'm really just super excited for the inauguration I got both TV's in this house on lock! lol, my little bro is not happy about that (he could care less about the world, he thinks Batman and Ben 10 all day). I wish I could be like that. lol. My aunt is still in Hawaii and her b-day is today. Called her and said "happy b-day!". She said "thanks". Like, she sounded sad. Upset. Like she was about to cry. I was shocked. Really. Usually, she sounds happy (in a good mood), or irritated (not just to me, but everyone). I don't even know why I'm shocked about that since she told me a while back that she is miserable down there. Oh well, I kept that conversation short as hell. I was not about to be cursed at because she would have got the same treatment. Really.

-A.P.

I'm back! :)

Helllo...

It's been a full week! My teeth are much better. I healed up pretty quick. I'm so thankful for that. I had my b-day dinner on Saturday. My grandma and cousin came to celebrate with me. We went to Red Lobster. I ordered some gumbo and crab, the bomb! :) The best. And some of those rich ass biscuits lol. Sunday I didn't do anything, for I didn't go to church. My dad also called me on Saturday, not on my b-day. He pissed me off to the max. lol. He was talking straight shit and lies (sorry for my language). I didn't listen to a damn word he was talking about.

He is so brainwashed by this woman, who is threatened by his own goddamn kids. It's very sad to hear. But like my Grandma says, pray for him and feel sorry because what can I do at this point right now? Not a dang thing.
Well, this is a quick check-in. I've been spending my time with my Nintendo DS, finally. lol.

Talk later,
A.P.

Late Christmas With Chance..He's finally home!

2posts in one day...yay! lol

Hey, again:

My brother is home!!! Yay! I'm soo happy (shocker). He is back from his 2-week, 1-day vacation from my mother and I. He was over his dad's house as I mentioned before. The only reason why I am doing two posts in one day is because I get surgery tomorrow (four wisdoms
being tooken out). And I probably won't have time to post a story or whatever :(

Edit: Dang, I lost the second part of this post. lol. I'll try to remember what I said. But here are more pics..enjoy until I heal:

"What about me?"

It's snowing...again!
No, real talk:
I've been asking my mother that question for about a week now. My little brother Chance (he's four, from another father), has been spending time with his father since December 22nd. Now, here's a side note: My father doesn't live here in Seattle, WA (not anymore). My father hasn't been in my life for a while now, due to a controlling girlfriend (more about that thing later). He doesn't accept my phone calls, doesn't come back up here to see me, doesn't write me knowing DANG well he has my address! He's like her little puppy. But Anyways, my brother's father is in the same predicament as my father:controlling girlfriend. But she has decided to let my brother stay with them..finally. After ALL of those 3 years he didn't come see him..what a dang shame. Normally, I wouldn't give a shtuck what my brother would be up to and what he was doing (I do care, but only when I'm babysitting). Another side note: His dad was totally verbally abusive to my mom...right here :
Just took these today. Beautiful. Although I wasn't a victim to it, I was still a victim. Feel me? He got my mom caught up in drugs. I didn't witness them doing in front of me (my mom is now 3years sober), I definitely knew they were doing it. Maybe I do know a bit much, too much for my own good. But at least I'm aware of my surroundings and what is happening around me. Basically, what I'm trying say is...both of our fathers are cowards..stinking, dumb cowards. I don't hate them, but I don't like them. I dread to say that, but it's true. Well, my mom is a HUGE advocate for my brother (as she should), but....what about me? I mean, I don't understand. Is it time to advocate more for myself (which I have been doing) or what? What?

I dread the holidays now. It used to not bother me as much, back in the day. But now, I just miss my father. I miss my older siblings. And whenever there is a family gathering, I just know there is going to be an argument or someone going to jail.
I cried this year. No argument. No one got arrested. Wow. Oh my stars!
I got cool presents (as I always do)

The only reason why I miss my dad is because he doesn't even frekkin' call me! He has my number. WHY won't he use it? Only he can answer that. I hate being in this situation where I have to make the first move. I'm always am the first to call and wish him "happy b-day" or "merry christmas" or "happy new year!". It frekkin' sucks because I know he doesn't appreciate it. Our conversations are what...3 minutes long..EACH??!! Ugh, man. When my mom was in the relationship with my bro's dad, he did her dirty. I mean, REAL dirty. He's an A-hole. But they broke up in 2006. They messed around (I caught them, HORRIBLE SIGHT, lol). But she always call him and says "when you going to come see your son?" Why aren't you man enough to come see your son?". "What is stopping you to see your son?"..knowing dang well why he doesn't come see him. I hear those questions everyday. No lie, no making this up. But the question remains for me..."what about me?" Why can't you advocate like that for me? When I ask her to talk some sense into my dad, she says, "why don't you do it?". I HAVE!! What in the frekkin world?? Did she just ask me that?? Oh my. What should I do?..

Sincerely,
A.P.

P.S. Don't mind the photography skills. Still learning

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Hey,

It's a new year! and a new day! I celebrated with my mother and cat, Tinker (short for Tinker bell) I'm so excited that it is 2009! We are so close the Inauguration cermony for our fine President (can I say that?) Barack Obama. :) I've have nothing but positive thoughts on about how he would change this world to make it better. I've been supportive of him from the start. Another subject, I'm turning 15!! On a Sunday (in Seattle, probably different for some people lol) so I do not know what I'm going to do! My family is so busy (sarcasm) that they say that they could not attend my dinner party I was thinking of having. Bummer, NOT! I really don't give a shtuck if they didn't come..Oh well, I celebrate with Tinker....

Bye,
A.P