It's been a LONG time.

Wow,

I feel like I'd abandon this blog. It's been forever since I even ENTERED my Google account. But, alot has been happening. Too much.

I'm in transition. For the better.

Trying to make myself be #1.

I know there'll be some down parts, and I'm prepared. But just know that I am cautious, and aware. I'll know my steps and where I'm headed.

School's almost out, so freaking happy.

I'm moving out of this junk apartment....Into my 1st house!!!
No more tenants!!
No more sneaky, lowlife landlords!!

Ugh, I feel somewhat relieved. It's been this way all my life, and...my time has come.

Finances aren't WOOHOO or anything, but I'm determined to get out more, experience nature, and soak in the sun...if there's gonna be any this summer (never know with Washington!)

So yeah,
It's all good.

-A.P.

Business, business...

It's not working out for me.
Could this be Karma?

I am trying to get business.
I want it sooo bad.

Volunteering is getting too stressful.
NOT GOOD.

So, let me jumpstart my business.
No? Not yet. Why? Why such a long wait?

I have been waiting on craigslist for about an hour now.
Just one call.
ONE call.

No call.
I'm getting angry.
I've been angry.

Stay calm.
"Woosah........."

Random Thoughts @ 4:something AM!!

I am very tired.
I want to go to sleep.

I am soooo tired of being ALONE.

I've been feeling really emotional lately, more than ever.
I want new books to help me cope.

I want no more animals.
No, i'm kidding about the animals. I love my cats.

I need more artists for my Zune.
Tired of listening to the same old sh!t.

I'm starting to become obsessed with the DeBarge family.
Just a little bit.
Their music....AHHH.

Where are all my family members?
I only know, like, 12 of them?
That's weird.

Where are all my friends?
Oh yeah, i don't have many.
LOL.
No, serious.

I try to laugh than cry.
I try to smile than frown.

I don't want wrinkles.
Black don't crack.
Don't be offended.

Made my first pie on Thanxgiving!
REALLY good.
I was selfish.
Wish I had it now, though.
LOL.

Ok.
That's enough.

Need to blog more.
I keep saying that, but I don't do it.
It's going to become a goal.

Ok.
Bye.

-A.P.

So fucking STUPID.

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

Man, was I in the clouds?

How can I take care of myself...in a dysfunctional household? I can't ignore that fact. I can't escape that.

How can one minute I'm happy, fine...
Next, mom comes home...with this man. A man who needs a MOTHER more than a WOMAN on his arm, doing his everyday duties, telling him what to do, etc.

Who understands?

I'm SOOOO happy @ school. I really am. Yeah, there are days when I don't want to be there, what's that point? But for the most part, I'm excellent, exceeding in academics and other things.

But...

When I come home, I fucking depressed, putting myself down, got other people putting myself down. Making me feel worthless.
Fucking tearing up my prized possessions (did i spell that right?)
WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO?!

I want to just rip my hair out and cry.

-A.P.

Don't say Nuthin.

Been a while. I know.


Mom has been putting up with a lot of this man's shit. I don't see why that happens, letting his shit slide. If it were me, if i were older...it'll be a WHOLE different story with me. That negro will be GONE!

I just keep quiet now. I don't say nuthin. It's pointless now. Really.

Just a little bit ago, she comes in my room...."you think I'm weak?"

Are you freaking serious?! Are you asking me this question right now?!

*sighs*

I just said...
"yes."

After that, she just kept asking me questions....and i gave her short-worded answers. "Yes." "No." 'I don't give a f@#$." "So?"

Ah, yes......that's how it is now.

I'm going to go cry.

Bye. -A.P.

"You screwed me over...."

Okay.

This weekend was okay.

Half and half.

Cousins came over...we had a good time. Rented The Haunting In Connecticut..alright movie. Drank some, got buzzed.

Overall, that was a good visit.

Today: Labor Day.
Went over to my Grandma's for a BBQ.
The food was good.

But while I was over there, I started jotting down my feelings.

Because, Since Saturday, this man has been over here. He came back from a three-day absence. What I mean by that....he was gone for three days.

No one knew where he was (no one really cared except my mom.)
No one knew when he was coming back.

So during that time, on this past Friday,
My mom, grandparents, and I went to see Euge Groove and Ledisi live @ the Benaroya Hall. (It was AMAZING!)

Anywho, my mom and I were getting along...It was a great time. Ever since our splat during the Summer, it seemed like we were past all of the drama that went down. And I actually thought this guy was a goner for good. Nope.

He came back.

And now my mom is acting differently. She treats me very rude, in front of him! Doesn't matter where we are.

I'm always the bad person getting in between their romance. WTF?!

Like I was saying...

So today, I decided to jot down my feelings. I wrote them down and showed the page to my cousins. They agreed with me. THey also suggested I show my mom. Heck no.

Why?

'Cause I tried that before and it didn't convince in anyway that this man is not good for her or her health. So I left it alone.

So, when it was time to eat...
I went downstairs, sat the note on a end table, got my plate of food, and went back upstairs.

When it was time to go, I go back downstairs trying to look for the note.
Couldn't find it.
Asked my grandma.

"Oh, you mean this note you wrote about me?"

I snatched it from my mom.

I'm pissed. No more!

-A.P.

Cousin, are we bonding?!

It seems to me so.

I have 4 cousins: all older.
More "advanced".

Bernie Mac words: "now I KNOW them, but I don't know them."


Same here.
I know my cousins, but I don't want to be a part of their circle. All of us are different in our own way.

I tend to be the "old soul".
Meaning I don't believe in sex before marriage, I don't party like it's 1999, drink and get high....get the munchies.

I love my cousins, but...not their lifestyles and the people they hang out with.

We get along and we talk...to a extent.
Because we don't have much in common.

They like Lil Wayne.
I like Mos Def.

They like Trey Songz.
I like Luther Vandross.

See? Very different.

So...when one of my cousins called me up, I was really surprised.
Not that she called, but that we actually had a conversation that lasted longer than 2 minutes!

Our conversations are usually akward and has a lot to do with peer pressure. Lol.

But this one...was different. It was a deep conversation.

She wanted to talk about our dysfunctional family.
"Ok. Shoot."

"I feel like none of my family members love me. They don't say it or show it."

"Ok...(long pause).

I couldn't debate with her. I couldn't try to persuade her in any way about how she felt. It was true.
I actually felt the same way she felt.

'Cause see...

There is only 12 family members in the Phair family. (That we know of lol.)

And seeing the SAME people OVER AND OVER AND OVER again....sh!t, It's sickening.

We don't have proper, nice family holidays. It usually involves fights and cops.
We hold gruges towards one another...It could be from the past, and we still hold on.

We don't tell one another, "I love you" or even EXPRESS our love (ex. hug)
That's very rare for us. It's always shocking when it happens too.

So, I totally got where she was coming from.
"I want my family to tell me they love me."
Heck, I do too.

"I want to be able to count on someone to have my back when I'm in need."
Me too.

"This family is dyscfunctional."
Heck yeah!

After all of that, I say;
"You got me...."

"I'll call you back."

*hangs up*

"Love ya."

-A.P.