"What about me?"

It's snowing...again!
No, real talk:
I've been asking my mother that question for about a week now. My little brother Chance (he's four, from another father), has been spending time with his father since December 22nd. Now, here's a side note: My father doesn't live here in Seattle, WA (not anymore). My father hasn't been in my life for a while now, due to a controlling girlfriend (more about that thing later). He doesn't accept my phone calls, doesn't come back up here to see me, doesn't write me knowing DANG well he has my address! He's like her little puppy. But Anyways, my brother's father is in the same predicament as my father:controlling girlfriend. But she has decided to let my brother stay with them..finally. After ALL of those 3 years he didn't come see him..what a dang shame. Normally, I wouldn't give a shtuck what my brother would be up to and what he was doing (I do care, but only when I'm babysitting). Another side note: His dad was totally verbally abusive to my mom...right here :
Just took these today. Beautiful. Although I wasn't a victim to it, I was still a victim. Feel me? He got my mom caught up in drugs. I didn't witness them doing in front of me (my mom is now 3years sober), I definitely knew they were doing it. Maybe I do know a bit much, too much for my own good. But at least I'm aware of my surroundings and what is happening around me. Basically, what I'm trying say is...both of our fathers are cowards..stinking, dumb cowards. I don't hate them, but I don't like them. I dread to say that, but it's true. Well, my mom is a HUGE advocate for my brother (as she should), but....what about me? I mean, I don't understand. Is it time to advocate more for myself (which I have been doing) or what? What?

I dread the holidays now. It used to not bother me as much, back in the day. But now, I just miss my father. I miss my older siblings. And whenever there is a family gathering, I just know there is going to be an argument or someone going to jail.
I cried this year. No argument. No one got arrested. Wow. Oh my stars!
I got cool presents (as I always do)

The only reason why I miss my dad is because he doesn't even frekkin' call me! He has my number. WHY won't he use it? Only he can answer that. I hate being in this situation where I have to make the first move. I'm always am the first to call and wish him "happy b-day" or "merry christmas" or "happy new year!". It frekkin' sucks because I know he doesn't appreciate it. Our conversations are what...3 minutes long..EACH??!! Ugh, man. When my mom was in the relationship with my bro's dad, he did her dirty. I mean, REAL dirty. He's an A-hole. But they broke up in 2006. They messed around (I caught them, HORRIBLE SIGHT, lol). But she always call him and says "when you going to come see your son?" Why aren't you man enough to come see your son?". "What is stopping you to see your son?"..knowing dang well why he doesn't come see him. I hear those questions everyday. No lie, no making this up. But the question remains for me..."what about me?" Why can't you advocate like that for me? When I ask her to talk some sense into my dad, she says, "why don't you do it?". I HAVE!! What in the frekkin world?? Did she just ask me that?? Oh my. What should I do?..

Sincerely,
A.P.

P.S. Don't mind the photography skills. Still learning